To all the people that “loved me” before

I was never taught how to love or how to be loved, so when people tell me they love me I don’t know what to do or how to act. I’ve never thought I was worthy to be loved by anyone because the people that we’re supposed to or have said it to me before have been toxic in some way. Love to me has always been abuse, lies, yelling, screaming, hitting, tearing down, lonely and scared. It was never safe, protected, unconditional or healthy, and that makes me angry. Some of the abusive love I received was out of my control because I was a child, some of it I chose because I thought that’s the only love I was deserving of. It’s frustrating and unfair that I have to work so hard to love myself or that when someone says I love you my instant response is how or why. I didn’t deserve that and everyone of you knew that. You took me for granted, you broke me down, you made me feel worthless and unworthy of it. I’m working so hard to fix that and fix all the damage you all have done, you didn’t show me how to love you showed me how to hate and I refuse to let that be who I become.

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