Having a day go from okay It’s going okay I can do this to one thing happening and instantly changing your mood sucks. It’s like going on a roller coaster, you’re excited that things are going up but then all of a sudden you feel it in the pit of your stomach and then the drop comes and your plummeting. Sometimes I can feel it happen and still have no control over it. I thought I was doing okay today, and then the wrong song in the wrong place transported my mind to a time and place where I didn’t want to be and my day was instantly changed. People who don’t know what that’s like will say change the song or think of something else but it doesn’t work like that. Once you’re mind goes to a place you don’t want it to getting back is hard. Some things make it easy and learning new things will help it when it does happen. An important thing to really understand about it is that people who are going through it can’t control it, we don’t make the conscious choice to have our minds so messy. I would give anything to just process stuff normally and I’m trying so hard to be able to do that but because of everything I’ve gone through its messy. I get how fucked up I am, and that sometimes it’s more comfortable for my mind to be in that downward drop than the upward movement. In the back of my mind if I’m on the upward for too long I don’t trust it, I don’t want to rely on that feeling because it feels like the second I do that drop is going to come out of nowhere and I don’t know if I can survive it. If you are going through that you have to give yourself credit for getting through the good days and even more credit for the hard days. A day like today feels like I lost and that can be tough. You have to take the loss with some silver lining. I learned that I’m angry about a lot that I didn’t think I was angry about. I have to figure out what to do with that, I don’t like being angry, it scares me. Last time I was this angry I didn’t deal with it a healthy way and it didn’t end too well and that is scary for me. I can write a book about this stuff but actually applying it to my own life, or my own situation is hard and complicated and days like today it feels like it’s a fight I’m not going to win.