3 am anxiety attack

https://youtu.be/k_HDyrnEfl4

This song can describe some of my recent anxiety about possibly staring some medication. Today was the first day I heard it and tomorrow is supposed to be my appointment. All though Songs that come on at the exact right moment creep me out a little, I also love them because they explain things that I don’t know how to put into words. Music has always been a great escape for me, I don’t know if it’s that whoever wrote that song is feeling exactly what I’m feeling and can relate or stumbling randomly on a song like this is like someone’s trying to get me to pay attention to something. I am really nervous to start medication for a few reasons. Part of me knows that I really need it because one I’m up at 3 am with anxiety and two other things aren’t working. The other part of me doesn’t want to because I don’t want to rely on pills to get me through my day or lose myself in the process. I feel like relying on medication to help me get through my day makes me just as bad as my family. I hated that they had to rely on a drug or alcohol to make them happy to be able to get through their day so how does that make me any different. I don’t like to rely on things and medication would be something i have to rely on every day and that terrifies me. What if i rely on it and it works and then I’m stuck with relying on a pill every day, what if it works for a little bit then stops am i going to back to how I’m feeling now or what if it doesn’t work at all. Im afraid it will change me, I’m afraid it will work and I have to rely on it and I’m afraid it won’t work at all and if not even medication can help am I stuck like this forever? I’m confused and anxious about it and like the song says is this the way to fix this or is this a quick fix can you medicate it away.

Waiting

  1. How long will it be til I start to feel better? I’m trying my best to just feel better, but that depression kicks in, the kind that makes you’re whole body hurt. That feeling like you need to cry but can’t. That feeling takes over and the doubt, failure or fear that if you don’t get better people give up and walk away sets in. That anxiety comes after, the kind that gives you a gut feeling like something is wrong but you can’t figure out what and it never fully goes away. It’s that feeling of pure exhaustion when you’re trying to make it through you’re day but when night comes you’re mind is wide awake. It’s taking over my life, my days feel like weeks my weeks feel like years. Why won’t this feeling just stop and leave me alone, why does it feel like getting better seems impossible. It can’t be impossible it has to go away, it has to get better.

Sober

Reliving the worst times of my life over and over

This is why I haven’t been sober

Every night is the same

It’s driving me insane

I go to sleep and wake up in pain

In the same spots you were hitting me

Can’t catch my breath

Covered in sweat

Checking my surroundings

Just to make sure you’re not around me

The alcohol is only thing giving me peace

Does it make me weak

I feel like I’ve accepted defeat

If I drink the nightmares go away

It makes me feel like I have a say

some control over the pain

A rest for my brain

It’s what gets me through

But does that make me like you

Addiction sucks

When people hear of addiction they usually think of drugs or alcohol addiction. Those are severe addictions but everyone has addictive tendencies of their own, what makes it severe or not is how it’s impacting your life. If it’s to a degree where you can’t go a day with out it, it’s destroying relationships, work, or you’re over all mental stability then you should take a step back and address that. However, that’s not so easy when it is the more severe things like drugs or alcohol. It’s hard to go through and just as hard to watch someone you care about go through. I’ve seen people I love go through addiction. At one point in my life, I did think people chose to be like that, they chose to drink or do drugs or give in to whatever addiction they had. That changed after watching people I care about change from happy loving people to mean, abusive, and destructive people. I also realized that I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. I tried so hard to help each of these people and when It didn’t work I felt like a failure, I felt like they took a piece of me that I can’t ever get back and they don’t care. I resented them for choosing this addiction over me or their family but it wasn’t their fault. An addict has to want to help them self’s and you can do everything in your power to get them too but at the end of the day if they don’t want to change their is nothing you can do. It’s okay to walk away from someone like that, I’ve had to do it 4 times and each time was just as hard if not harder than the last. It’s scary to think that if you’re not there to help them then something bad is going to happen to them. Addiction is hard to watch it’s hard to go through it’s just hard and it sucks but walking away from it or asking for help with it doesn’t make you weak it makes you strong. You’re showing that you’ve had enough and you can’t live like that anymore. Addiction is not a choice but how you deal with it is.

Roller coaster drop

Having a day go from okay It’s going okay I can do this to one thing happening and instantly changing your mood sucks. It’s like going on a roller coaster, you’re excited that things are going up but then all of a sudden you feel it in the pit of your stomach and then the drop comes and your plummeting. Sometimes I can feel it happen and still have no control over it. I thought I was doing okay today, and then the wrong song in the wrong place transported my mind to a time and place where I didn’t want to be and my day was instantly changed. People who don’t know what that’s like will say change the song or think of something else but it doesn’t work like that. Once you’re mind goes to a place you don’t want it to getting back is hard. Some things make it easy and learning new things will help it when it does happen. An important thing to really understand about it is that people who are going through it can’t control it, we don’t make the conscious choice to have our minds so messy. I would give anything to just process stuff normally and I’m trying so hard to be able to do that but because of everything I’ve gone through its messy. I get how fucked up I am, and that sometimes it’s more comfortable for my mind to be in that downward drop than the upward movement. In the back of my mind if I’m on the upward for too long I don’t trust it, I don’t want to rely on that feeling because it feels like the second I do that drop is going to come out of nowhere and I don’t know if I can survive it. If you are going through that you have to give yourself credit for getting through the good days and even more credit for the hard days. A day like today feels like I lost and that can be tough. You have to take the loss with some silver lining. I learned that I’m angry about a lot that I didn’t think I was angry about. I have to figure out what to do with that, I don’t like being angry, it scares me. Last time I was this angry I didn’t deal with it a healthy way and it didn’t end too well and that is scary for me. I can write a book about this stuff but actually applying it to my own life, or my own situation is hard and complicated and days like today it feels like it’s a fight I’m not going to win.

Head above water

Dive right in to save someone from drowning

With out even checking my own surroundings

Not realizing I’m sinking myself

All to save someone else

By the time I realize how far I’ve gone down

The feeling takes over and I’m starting to drown

I call out for help I scream and I wave

Hoping those people I helped save would hear me

Why can’t I see it clearly

They say when a plane goes down

Put your mask on yourself before you help another person

Because you’re situation will worsen

I’m fighting so hard to even just breathe

Not knowing how those people could leave me with such ease

They must be pleased

That I’m fighting so hard just to keep my head above water

Everyone has stressors in their every day life, so how do you know when that stress is a normal “healthy” amount of stress verses a toxic dangerous amount of stress. The past few weeks for me have been a dangerous amount of stress to a point where my body is even starting to take the hit from it. It feels like it’s one thing after the other the more that piles up the more I feel like I can’t come up for air. The more stress that is added the harder it is for me to fight that voice that tells me to give up to stop trying and that I can’t do it. Its times like this where I need to find healthy ways to deal with everything but all I want to do is hide from everything and everyone and sometimes that’s okay too. You have to find a balance of dealing with everything in a healthy way and giving yourself a break. Having the next four days off of work I plan to really take advantage of that time, give my mind and body and much needed break. It’s going to be really hard for me to give myself that break but sometimes your body is your best advocate. It will tell you when you need to slow down and take a breath and everything and everyone else can wait for you to catch up. Your not going to be good to anyone if you’re too mentally and physically exhausted to do anything. So if you have time off for the holidays listen to your body and take that break. Happy holidays 🙏🦃