Roller coaster drop

Having a day go from okay It’s going okay I can do this to one thing happening and instantly changing your mood sucks. It’s like going on a roller coaster, you’re excited that things are going up but then all of a sudden you feel it in the pit of your stomach and then the drop comes and your plummeting. Sometimes I can feel it happen and still have no control over it. I thought I was doing okay today, and then the wrong song in the wrong place transported my mind to a time and place where I didn’t want to be and my day was instantly changed. People who don’t know what that’s like will say change the song or think of something else but it doesn’t work like that. Once you’re mind goes to a place you don’t want it to getting back is hard. Some things make it easy and learning new things will help it when it does happen. An important thing to really understand about it is that people who are going through it can’t control it, we don’t make the conscious choice to have our minds so messy. I would give anything to just process stuff normally and I’m trying so hard to be able to do that but because of everything I’ve gone through its messy. I get how fucked up I am, and that sometimes it’s more comfortable for my mind to be in that downward drop than the upward movement. In the back of my mind if I’m on the upward for too long I don’t trust it, I don’t want to rely on that feeling because it feels like the second I do that drop is going to come out of nowhere and I don’t know if I can survive it. If you are going through that you have to give yourself credit for getting through the good days and even more credit for the hard days. A day like today feels like I lost and that can be tough. You have to take the loss with some silver lining. I learned that I’m angry about a lot that I didn’t think I was angry about. I have to figure out what to do with that, I don’t like being angry, it scares me. Last time I was this angry I didn’t deal with it a healthy way and it didn’t end too well and that is scary for me. I can write a book about this stuff but actually applying it to my own life, or my own situation is hard and complicated and days like today it feels like it’s a fight I’m not going to win.

Head above water

Dive right in to save someone from drowning

With out even checking my own surroundings

Not realizing I’m sinking myself

All to save someone else

By the time I realize how far I’ve gone down

The feeling takes over and I’m starting to drown

I call out for help I scream and I wave

Hoping those people I helped save would hear me

Why can’t I see it clearly

They say when a plane goes down

Put your mask on yourself before you help another person

Because you’re situation will worsen

I’m fighting so hard to even just breathe

Not knowing how those people could leave me with such ease

They must be pleased

That I’m fighting so hard just to keep my head above water

Everyone has stressors in their every day life, so how do you know when that stress is a normal “healthy” amount of stress verses a toxic dangerous amount of stress. The past few weeks for me have been a dangerous amount of stress to a point where my body is even starting to take the hit from it. It feels like it’s one thing after the other the more that piles up the more I feel like I can’t come up for air. The more stress that is added the harder it is for me to fight that voice that tells me to give up to stop trying and that I can’t do it. Its times like this where I need to find healthy ways to deal with everything but all I want to do is hide from everything and everyone and sometimes that’s okay too. You have to find a balance of dealing with everything in a healthy way and giving yourself a break. Having the next four days off of work I plan to really take advantage of that time, give my mind and body and much needed break. It’s going to be really hard for me to give myself that break but sometimes your body is your best advocate. It will tell you when you need to slow down and take a breath and everything and everyone else can wait for you to catch up. Your not going to be good to anyone if you’re too mentally and physically exhausted to do anything. So if you have time off for the holidays listen to your body and take that break. Happy holidays 🙏🦃

30 songs that got me through

These are some of my favorite songs that got me through a hard time, some of them relate to how or what I was feeling, some make me think of a happy time or place and some help sum up what I want to say but don’t know how. Music is a powerful thing it can instantly change our mood, make us think of someone or something or let us escape for a few minutes. These songs helped me I  hope they can do the same for you.




































Sometimes it sucks

Somedays depression and anxiety are just going to take over and there is not always something you can do.. and some days it flat out sucks. It’s the depression that makes your body ache, where you feel mentally and physically exhausted. It’s where you sit their for hours not moving not because you don’t want to but because you physically can’t make yourself. The depression where you stop feeling everything because you can’t handle feeling anymore. The anxiety that makes you want to hide and shut down from the world and not tell anyone anything. The anxiety that makes you over think everything you said that day, wondering if every person you talked to is mad at you or talking bad about you.It’s draining, exhausting, and agonizing. How do you deal with days like that? This week in particular has been a lot for me to handle. I have had a lot come up and forced me into thinking about things I wasn’t ready to really deal with yet.  I’ve been feeling everything and nothing and sometimes at the same time and its been draining. Sometimes it feels like its one thing after another and I can’t come up for air. It feels like my head is going to explode and that I have a huge weight sitting on my chest and I can’t do it anymore. Some days I have confidence that the skills I am learning are working and helping and other days I feel that nothing is helping, the people I would reach out to are going to think I am annoying, a burden and that I failed. When I am in that bad mood where no distraction, coping skill or friend is going to help me I get scared. I get scared that I am just going to give up or that I am going to revert back to how I used to handle things. I have to do my best to hang on and focus on the good things I have going even if its the smallest thing like getting out of bed. My bad days can get dark sometimes and I have to accept that, its not always going to be good days no one in the world has just good days.  All the distractions and advice on these days aren’t going to help and sometimes the only thing you can do is just let yourself have the bad day. Sometimes it takes more energy to try those techniques and have them not work than it does to let yourself just be in the that mood. I guarantee the only person judging you for being in that mood is yourself. Sometimes you just have to let the bad days be bad and the good days be good  you can’t always control it.

The Stigma

There are two types of stigmas surrounding mental health today, the first one is how the public views people with mental health issues and the second one is how people with these issues feel about themselves. Mental health discussions tend to take over social media and the news when a) a celebrity commits suicide or b) when a shooting happens. In my opinion that shouldn’t be the only time it is focused on, it is getting better but still has a long way to go. People who don’t understand what it is like themselves tend to think that having these issues are just an excuse for not wanting to go to something, or not being able to do something. They don’t understand that people who have these issues desperately want to go out or do whatever it is they need to, but they aren’t able to because anxiety or depression takes over. It’s like having this shadow who follows you around, its always there and some days its brighter and not as noticeable and other days it shows up at the worst or most unexpected times. That feeling or ache that shows up can make someone feel at their lowest and it’s not something they can make go away or disappear. Theirs not always something you can do about it no matter how hard you try. A lot of people tend not to talk about what’s going on with them because they feel ashamed for not being able to handle their issues, or don’t want people thinking that their weak or can’t handle things. If you do open about it the responses are usually “its all in your head your fine” “that’s not an excuse I had x y and z happen to me and I’m fine” or “just let it go”. The thing is people who have these issues can’t just let it go or shrug it off. It would be so much easier if they could. If someone is opening to you about what’s going on with them and you compare it to how you’ve handled your issues isn’t going to accomplish anything, all that’s going to do is make them feel small and weak for not being able to handle theirs. They are trusting you with this information and everyone handles things differently. You also never know what someone else is going though. People might say “wow I wish I had their life it seems perfect, key word being seems. You don’t know what it took for them to show up, be present or what’s going through their head. Everyone is fighting their own battles to show up every day. “Were all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell, just different devils” Rhiannon Redemption Everyone has their own issues and it doesn’t matter how big or small they are everyone handles them differently. To make people feel weak, lazy, or weird for having these issues is an issue and the stigma needs to change because chances are people who suffer from it would love to change and are trying to change but need support which includes how society looks at it. People shouldn’t have to fight this battle in silence.